like the blog says . . .

Maintaining a blog is far more difficult when you actually have a kiddo. I can't get on the computer when she's awake, and when she's asleep I have other things I need to do or I just want a nap. But today I'm getting on because I've just been down.

So many things have been going on.

1. My husband has a few health problems that make ttc timing very difficult. His back just can't take it and then there is the constant pain of his rhumatoid arthritis. These two problems combined but him on bedrest for 10 weeks just before Christmas. And another week just recently.

2. Because of my husband's physical state, more is on my shoulders that was not before and I generally feel overwhelmed. But I don't feel like I can say anything to anyone. It would just stress out my husband. I just really need like 48 hours all to myself.

3. I'm turning 40 in March and that is really depressing me. My biological clock is running out or maybe it already has. I have thought I was pregnant a few times, including this month, but I guess it is all just PMS.

I see myself with another baby. I see Daphne with a brother or sister. But right now it just seems so unlikely. Between Justin's medical issues and mine, it just seems like an impossibility. I'm grasping for hope and not finding any. And I dont know what to do.

I feel like I should join the one and done club. Start preparing to go back to work once Daphne starts 1st grade. That is three years off, but if I want to get back into teaching, I need to take some classes and renew my certifications in 2014 and get some letters of recommendation together. I want to take some of the finacial burden off od Justin because I know it causes his stress being the sole breadwinner.

Maybe I need to just focus on losing weight and getting healthy rather than worry about whether I'll have a second child or not. I'm tired of taking the clomid and wondering is I'm ovulating on my good side. Was one time having sex around ovulation enough--it has to be because Justin is spent.

I am so jealous of women that can get pregnant so easily. It is really just breaking my heart right now as I look at this computer screen through blurry tear filled eyes. I am happy that they get the joy of their newborns, but I want that joy too.

I love my little girl with everything I am and people might say be happy with that. I am happy with that. But it does not change my yearning for another little bundle.

There is not point to this point except that is goes with the title of my blog--getting it off my chest.