The woman I want to be

So I was browing the BHB this morning and came across a post about seting out a plan for yourself and what you will do to make yourself the you that you want to be.  I journaled something like this just before the new year.  Wrote down goals or things I wanted to change but they were very broad.  The idea here is to make goals each week that make concrete strides toward those bigger goals.

This is what went onto my journal on December 28th, 2012:
My intention for this book has not happened and I think I need to spend some time on self-discovery, editation, comtemplation of myself and that I want to be for Daphne and Justin.

I don't feel like I havebeen giving 100% to anyone and I have let myself down.  So I'm thinking about goals for 2013.

I've been wanting this since I was 12 years old--to lose weight.  I'm obese.  I want to be healthy for me and for Daphne.  I'm thinking of the paleo diet, cutting out all processed foods.

I want to exercise--we have the treadmill.  I think I'd like to rejoin the YMCA becasue I think it is good for Daphne.

I need to take all the pills I should--prenatal/geritol, fish oil, low dose aspirin,metformin--take it all every day.

I need to read more book.  Less FB & BBC.

On the topic of books--right now I'm reading the next book club book--Wild.  About a woman needing to find her way back.  I need to find my way back.  I'm feeling a little lost.

back to goals . . .
I want to be pregnant in 2013! but that can't be a goal--just a hope!  Just a hope


HOPE is a thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune--without the words
and never stops at all,


^^^^^^^^^^
So that's what I wrote.  So far I have not done anything toward those goals or ideas really.  But now it is going to start.

There are tons of things I could write down, but I'm picking 3-5 each week and focus on those things.  So for this week:
The woman that I want to be . . .
1.  Showers first thing in the morning, or at least by 9 am.  All too often, I wait until Daphne's nap and it just makes for a very unproductive morning.
2.  Exercises at least 20 minutes every day.  I need to get on that treadmill or take Daphne for a walk.  One thing I did do was join a citiywide challenge to walk 100 miles by June 1st of this year.  I've got 4.473 miles logged so far.
3.  Meal plans.  It's good for the budget and good for the waistline.
4.  Takes her daughter to the park twice a week.  I know she want to spend time with other kids and I need to make that happen.

So that's it.  That is my focus for this week.  

like the blog says . . .

Maintaining a blog is far more difficult when you actually have a kiddo. I can't get on the computer when she's awake, and when she's asleep I have other things I need to do or I just want a nap. But today I'm getting on because I've just been down.

So many things have been going on.

1. My husband has a few health problems that make ttc timing very difficult. His back just can't take it and then there is the constant pain of his rhumatoid arthritis. These two problems combined but him on bedrest for 10 weeks just before Christmas. And another week just recently.

2. Because of my husband's physical state, more is on my shoulders that was not before and I generally feel overwhelmed. But I don't feel like I can say anything to anyone. It would just stress out my husband. I just really need like 48 hours all to myself.

3. I'm turning 40 in March and that is really depressing me. My biological clock is running out or maybe it already has. I have thought I was pregnant a few times, including this month, but I guess it is all just PMS.

I see myself with another baby. I see Daphne with a brother or sister. But right now it just seems so unlikely. Between Justin's medical issues and mine, it just seems like an impossibility. I'm grasping for hope and not finding any. And I dont know what to do.

I feel like I should join the one and done club. Start preparing to go back to work once Daphne starts 1st grade. That is three years off, but if I want to get back into teaching, I need to take some classes and renew my certifications in 2014 and get some letters of recommendation together. I want to take some of the finacial burden off od Justin because I know it causes his stress being the sole breadwinner.

Maybe I need to just focus on losing weight and getting healthy rather than worry about whether I'll have a second child or not. I'm tired of taking the clomid and wondering is I'm ovulating on my good side. Was one time having sex around ovulation enough--it has to be because Justin is spent.

I am so jealous of women that can get pregnant so easily. It is really just breaking my heart right now as I look at this computer screen through blurry tear filled eyes. I am happy that they get the joy of their newborns, but I want that joy too.

I love my little girl with everything I am and people might say be happy with that. I am happy with that. But it does not change my yearning for another little bundle.

There is not point to this point except that is goes with the title of my blog--getting it off my chest.