2/4 TWIWTB

It's a new week. I did OK with last week's list. I was showered and dressed every day by 9am and most days I was more productive because if it--that will continue. I took Daphne to the park twice. She loved it and it got us out and moving around--that will continue. Meal planning, not such a good job, but I will keep at it. Exercise was a bust--I only did one mile on one day, blah.

So all week I jotted down ideas as they came to me and I'll get to all of them eventually. I also made categories that they fit into and thought about what my long term goal are in different areas of my life.

So here is this week's list on which I will focus. . .

1.  The woman I want to be continues that things she worked on last week.

Money

2.  The woman I want to be maintains her YNAB budget--this means I will catch up last month and input this month so far.  I will enter my receipts at the end of each day.

Diet and Exercise
Long Term Goal: eat healthy every day, every meal.  be a fit and active woman.  be a reasonable weight for my height (165 lbs)
3.  The woman I want to be walks 4 miles a week.
Organization
Long term Goal:  a cleaner more organized house
4.  The woman I want to be has a plan for the mail.  It is picked up every day, sorted, filed/tossed/shredded and any bills paid immediately.
Personal Care and Productivity
5.  The woman I want to be finishes her book club book every month before we meet.  This means putting aside BBC and FB more and opting for a book.

The woman I want to be

So I was browing the BHB this morning and came across a post about seting out a plan for yourself and what you will do to make yourself the you that you want to be.  I journaled something like this just before the new year.  Wrote down goals or things I wanted to change but they were very broad.  The idea here is to make goals each week that make concrete strides toward those bigger goals.

This is what went onto my journal on December 28th, 2012:
My intention for this book has not happened and I think I need to spend some time on self-discovery, editation, comtemplation of myself and that I want to be for Daphne and Justin.

I don't feel like I havebeen giving 100% to anyone and I have let myself down.  So I'm thinking about goals for 2013.

I've been wanting this since I was 12 years old--to lose weight.  I'm obese.  I want to be healthy for me and for Daphne.  I'm thinking of the paleo diet, cutting out all processed foods.

I want to exercise--we have the treadmill.  I think I'd like to rejoin the YMCA becasue I think it is good for Daphne.

I need to take all the pills I should--prenatal/geritol, fish oil, low dose aspirin,metformin--take it all every day.

I need to read more book.  Less FB & BBC.

On the topic of books--right now I'm reading the next book club book--Wild.  About a woman needing to find her way back.  I need to find my way back.  I'm feeling a little lost.

back to goals . . .
I want to be pregnant in 2013! but that can't be a goal--just a hope!  Just a hope


HOPE is a thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune--without the words
and never stops at all,


^^^^^^^^^^
So that's what I wrote.  So far I have not done anything toward those goals or ideas really.  But now it is going to start.

There are tons of things I could write down, but I'm picking 3-5 each week and focus on those things.  So for this week:
The woman that I want to be . . .
1.  Showers first thing in the morning, or at least by 9 am.  All too often, I wait until Daphne's nap and it just makes for a very unproductive morning.
2.  Exercises at least 20 minutes every day.  I need to get on that treadmill or take Daphne for a walk.  One thing I did do was join a citiywide challenge to walk 100 miles by June 1st of this year.  I've got 4.473 miles logged so far.
3.  Meal plans.  It's good for the budget and good for the waistline.
4.  Takes her daughter to the park twice a week.  I know she want to spend time with other kids and I need to make that happen.

So that's it.  That is my focus for this week.  

like the blog says . . .

Maintaining a blog is far more difficult when you actually have a kiddo. I can't get on the computer when she's awake, and when she's asleep I have other things I need to do or I just want a nap. But today I'm getting on because I've just been down.

So many things have been going on.

1. My husband has a few health problems that make ttc timing very difficult. His back just can't take it and then there is the constant pain of his rhumatoid arthritis. These two problems combined but him on bedrest for 10 weeks just before Christmas. And another week just recently.

2. Because of my husband's physical state, more is on my shoulders that was not before and I generally feel overwhelmed. But I don't feel like I can say anything to anyone. It would just stress out my husband. I just really need like 48 hours all to myself.

3. I'm turning 40 in March and that is really depressing me. My biological clock is running out or maybe it already has. I have thought I was pregnant a few times, including this month, but I guess it is all just PMS.

I see myself with another baby. I see Daphne with a brother or sister. But right now it just seems so unlikely. Between Justin's medical issues and mine, it just seems like an impossibility. I'm grasping for hope and not finding any. And I dont know what to do.

I feel like I should join the one and done club. Start preparing to go back to work once Daphne starts 1st grade. That is three years off, but if I want to get back into teaching, I need to take some classes and renew my certifications in 2014 and get some letters of recommendation together. I want to take some of the finacial burden off od Justin because I know it causes his stress being the sole breadwinner.

Maybe I need to just focus on losing weight and getting healthy rather than worry about whether I'll have a second child or not. I'm tired of taking the clomid and wondering is I'm ovulating on my good side. Was one time having sex around ovulation enough--it has to be because Justin is spent.

I am so jealous of women that can get pregnant so easily. It is really just breaking my heart right now as I look at this computer screen through blurry tear filled eyes. I am happy that they get the joy of their newborns, but I want that joy too.

I love my little girl with everything I am and people might say be happy with that. I am happy with that. But it does not change my yearning for another little bundle.

There is not point to this point except that is goes with the title of my blog--getting it off my chest.

On to this month

So AF came as we left for a roadtrip last Thursday. YeeHaw! Actually the timing sucked, but I'm ready for the new month. So today is CD 5. I'll start the clomid tonight and peeing on sticks on a few days. The road trip and weekend with family was very stressful and emotionally draining, but that is all I will say about that. Fingers crossed!

Blah

So I took off the month of August from tracking/pill taking and of course now my cycle is running long. Currently on CD 34. No, I am not pregnant. I've taken two tests. I'll keep testing until CD 40, then I'm taking something to start AF. It's all very frustrating. I will take clomid again with the new cycle and do the digital OPK. I saw this quote on pinterest today: Do not spoil what you have by desiring that you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. It's all about appreiation. Apreciate what I do have: a wonderful daughter and loving husband and a life I have always wanted being a SAHM. Still hope for what I long for: a little baby in my arms to complete our little family. I don't know how the heck I made it 6 years still hoping and knowing I would be a mom someday.

Names

Since I AM hopeful every month I think about names. I want to honor my grandparents if we are able to have another child. My grandmas' names were Erma and Sarah. My grandpas, Robert and Joseph. I was thinking of taking combining be grandmother's names into Ersa--it is a real name: In Greek mythology, Ersa is the goddess of dew and the daughter of Zeus and the Moon (Selene), sister of Pandia and half-sister to Endymion's 50 daughters. I like that it is a greek name. It would be a middle name. But I'm having trouble finding a first name that flows well. I think if we had a boy, he would just have two middle names, Robert Joseph/Joseph Robert.

It gets old

The whole TTC thing. I honestly don't know how I hung in there for 6 years the first time. So we are 15 months now. Did clomid last month, made me WAY emotional. I was hopeful, but no BFP. Did clomid again this month--it made me realy irritable like I wanted to hide in a hole away from everyone. I have been using the digital CBE ovulation monitor. This month was weird. I started feeling really bloated on CD 14 & 15 was the monitor was still reading low fertility. Then BAM, ovulation on CD 16 and 17. I did not get a single high fertility day leading up to the ovulation days. Strange. I could see on the stick, no line one day, equal line the very next. So I don't think it was the test really. Anyway, I think we got in sufficient baby dancing. We will see what happens. If I get a BFN after this cycle I think I will take a month off of the clomid and then try again in September. If I am not pregnant by the end of this year I think i will go back to Dr. Gelety as see about IUI's and having monitored cycles. :-(